Further into the Tinder wormhole

Photo of author/host of Practically Social by Zachari George

Hey friends! I’ve donned my scurrilous scapegoat lab coat to do another video on one of my favorite topics, Tinder! Here in the lab, it’s gotten a bit hot and hectic, but that’s because of the schedule, not the booty.

Host: (Speaking off camera)

“Tinder, if you’re listening, I’d like a nice stipend for all my R&D. After all the labor and costs, it would be appreciated, say $1000/month? I mean, think of all the free advertising you’re getting.”

“What do you mean I’m a hack?”

“I feel like I’m the guy who tells people how beast your dance club is, yet he doesn’t get any referral bonuses or free cover.”

Host: (Aside) “That’s a bad analogy on the last part. I don’t work for Tinder. I am an independent researcher, and I always pay to get into clubs. Aaand, most of the sex in my life is on HBO anyway.

Host: “Nonetheless, Tinder, a little gratitude?”

(Silence).

Sorry folks, where was I? Oh yes! Back here in the lab!

I conduct my research in secret. In my unpaid free time, I sidle up to the wormhole that has become Tinder, where I do data collection and thesis forming.

Bolts of energy burst hither and thither with massive crackling sounds, whooshes of matter, and blowing winds. It’s an exhilarating atmosphere to work in.

The volume of the work has been increasing exponentially, so I need help.

It’s essential to get this information to you, whether you’ve already entered the wormhole or are contemplating an adventure there. I need a team at this point. We’re hiring!

I’ve somehow convinced one of my friends (who is also a therapist and has experience with the dating app, Hinge) to help me co-narrate our observations from the cisgender/hetero viewing experiences both on Tinder and Hinge in this upcoming video.

In preparation, I planned a long script (for myself) and will primarily do the work with voice-over. I could also hire a handsome lad to play my scientist role. Maybe Ryan Gosling is available. He’d look sexier than me in the lab coat. I’m definitely like Ryan Gosling, just in a different body.

I’ve grown quite comfortable being on camera. My friend doesn’t want to be on camera for her reasons, and that’s fine. She agreed to use her low, sexy voice. We’re meeting tomorrow to begin our work, and she can do her narration based on the shoot objectives. I’m looking forward to the production.

If you’re not a YouTube or video fan, I’m sharing some of my insights beforehand in this article as a bit of a tease, a taste, or, if you will, to “spark” your interest in seeing what Tinder truly is.

When you join my team, your secret is safe with me. I’ll give you some free (virtual) hand sanitizer for your effort. Scandalous play set extra, not included.

If you do want to watch the video when it airs next week, here’s the link to my channel, also deemed Practically Social, where I cover a range of therapy and social issue-related topics: https://bit.ly/3cjg5j4

Ahem! On to this week’s findings!

I have yet to figure out much about Tinder. I am not popular there, and maybe there’s a reason for that. I’m not going to hire a Tinder consultant or get Glamour Shots. I’m not a show-off, yet maybe people think my playful profile is fake, goofy, or unapproachable.

That doesn’t make me an exception; it makes me the norm in the oddly lit tunnel that connects time and space between two hungry hedonists.

To give you the most accurate and reproducible results, I’ve used my real name and my real occupations in my profile. As a writer, my copy was created cleverly. It’s not just about looks, right?

I hope to connect with someone, for you guessed it, further research. My objective is clear, and I want to have some fun doing what I do. Sex is out of the question as I am ethically pursuing dating in other areas. Many people I’ve shared this with are skeptical, as they can be. Remember when I said it’s ok to judge me? Totally fine.

Settling down in the think tank, I started noticing some patterns and began creating some “types.” These are mere surface observations. I don’t know these people, and visible data is generally the weakest data. I’m not making any conclusions as to what the motives truly are for using Tinder.

Logically, and from general scuttlebutt, Tinder is an app for hooking up. I’m starting with the assumption that posters are there for precisely that. The app has a reputation for this, right?

So let’s look at a few of the types I’ve created and observations about each. If you want the complete workup, watch my soon-to-be dry-mouthed video.

Tinder types: the extraterrestrial beings on a carnal journey.

  1. The Hustler.
  2. The Fake
  3. The Christian
  4. The Enneagram (always interesting to a therapist).

The Hustler

This is a woman on the take. She can tell you all about her Instagram- (HAWTdive69), her Snapchat, her WhatsApp, her Only Fans and her job as a celebrity, “no bullshit taker,” and Pomeranian lover.

She’s usually visually filtered, glamourous in some way, other times far less than glamourous. She may look like a Bratz doll from all the makeup, jewelry, and eyeball-increasing size adjustments to her photo. She’s not here to date you. She’s here to make you a customer, get the attention she never returns, or find wealthy men, bad boys, and suckers — approach at your own risk.

The Fake

Easy to spot. The Fake may be part of a phishing scam designed to gain your personal details. It may also be used by crafty writers who wish to surreptitiously create great fictional characters, storylines, and plot twists (not me I swear).

The Fake’s profile probably looks normal from the standpoint of most white-collar workers. She has a job that’s respected by society; she’s professionally presented with clear, artfully done photographs, she has a list of hobbies such as travel, wine, bourbon, blah, blah, blah, and in the photos, she’s posing in front of Mount Kilimanjaro, exceptional architecture, on a sailing boat near Bimini, or at her posh gated community abode.

When and if you match, you likely will be talking to a bot or someone using a masked IP address in a faraway land. The Fake is similar to The Hustler, though their target is likely far wealthier yet gullible.

The Christian

Ah, propriety and piousness. Always a puzzler on the server for succubi. The Christian is most perplexing because of the pure hypocrisy of her approach. In theory, and from the testimony of anonymous, qualified participants I’ve interviewed in the past outside of Tinder, the app can be used legitimately for dating, even marriage. Aw, maybe she won’t need confession after all?

Yet why would someone who claims:

“Must love the Lord.” “I put God first.” and “My faith is important to me and should be to you too”

be looking for just a hookup?

Because they’re not perfect, just blessed, of course! We’re all sinners. Don’t hide behind that altar, baby; use it! Jesus is always a hot date!

Blasphemy? of course! I may be going to hell, but I don’t hate Christians, or date them. I keep them at arm’s length until I know they’re not proselytizing me 24/7 or even waiting for an opportunity to spring it on me as a Thessalonian ninja would.

We are moving on.

The Enneagram

The Enneagram is also somewhat of a head-scratcher. In therapy, I’d likely want to view the rest of a “ profile” (or chart as we call them), discuss some things with the person, and then diagnose so they can get proper treatment. My diagnoses are conservative to ensure that. I don’t add borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, or bipolar disorder into someone’s medical record without thorough, long-term knowledge and discussion with my client. It could change their life, and I believe in proper care.

I know this is supposedly a dating site (though its reputation is otherwise), but come on.

Are we really going to hook up just because you’re an ENFP and I’m an INTJ?

After a little more looking, I usually reach for my DSM-5, especially if we get engaged in any real conversation.

Borderline personality disorder? Narcissism? Hmm. I don’t know. I see you were also a psychology major, and we all know they’re all a little bent! It’s the social work majors that make sense. SWIPE LEFT! SWIPE LEFT!

Alright folks, it’s been a tiring day here in the wormhole. There’s an odd odor and some echoing moans coming from a disembodied source. I’ll get some readings and report back next time. Stay tuned!

Zachari George

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Practically Social

Practically Social

Licensed clinical therapist and social worker. Host of the mildly edited Practically Social channel. https://bit.ly/3cjg5j4 Catalyst, deep diver, Dad.