Why we can’t talk to you outside of therapy.
Sometimes, my clients find it shocking that I’m unable to speak with them outside of therapy, whether that’s meeting for coffee, attending one of their events, passing them on the street, or coming to visit them in another state.
Social work as a profession has one of the strictest and broadest professional codes of ethics in the world. “Dual relationships” are forbidden. See, as therapists, a lot of us have to live a somewhat monk-like existence. We are constantly meeting new people that we can’t associate with outside of our work. You might think that in an urban setting this wouldn’t be as bad, however in the rural settings, it makes the job that much more difficult.
Dual relationships involve everything from being friends with our clients, to engaging in any business activity, support or trading, and of course sexual relationships. All of this is excluded, and for many good reasons. Anything outside of that jeopardizes confidentiality, the therapeutic relationship, and mutual privacy. To me, this is fair, however it does make conversations awkward at times, “therapist sightings” are an occasional occurrence, and to be frank, I sometimes have to duck and run. It’s that challenging.
Uncomfortable conversations about this in therapy about this usually start with: “I’m sorry we can’t talk outside of therapy, it’s a rule we have that assures confidentiality, I hope you understand.” I’ve gotten used to saying it. It’s hard not to make it sound cold, no matter who I say it to. Most clients accept this and understand though some continue to struggle with it, or may take slight offense.
Would I love to have a local, guided tour of their awesome city? Yes! Would I love to support their fundraising for their kid’s extracurricular activities? I wish I could. Would it be awesome if someone cut me a great deal on doing my kitchen tile, towing a disabled vehicle, or food at my favorite restaurant? You know it would. These are all things that have been offered, and I have to decline, respectfully so.
There is another way I look at this as well. Every new client I meet and work with also has family, friends, etc. Socially, this creates a relational ripple effect, or the six degrees of therapy clients. Want to introduce me to your gorgeous sister, who is single, intelligent and affluent? Nope. Want me to come hear your brother’s band play? Won’t happen. I hope I don’t sound like a jerk saying it, Them’s the rules.” So some of us hide, holed up in personal libraries with books and a coterie of cats, with knitted blanket on our laps. Some of us wait tables for extra money, or play in a band, or go out dancing. Yeah, you might see us out. Run. Just kidding, ha ha.
What will we say to you? Nothing. We can be cordial if you approach us, though we can’t have a detailed conversation. It’s usually very short and goes similarly to this:
Client: “Oh my god! How are you? Wow it’s so amazing to see you, are you buying furniture too? I could really use someone to help me put together this Rakilske bookshelf, it looks complicated!”
Me: “Hi there (I won’t say your name)! I’m good, thanks for asking! How are you? Wait for answer… “Hey, it was nice seeing you, I’ve got to get going.”
Client’s family/friends, etc: “Who was that?”
Client: “That was my therapist. I wonder why he skedaddled like that?”
My family/friends, etc: “Who was that?”
Me: “Oh, that was someone that I ran into getting coffee at the gas station the other day. We talked about pugs and how cute they are with their little smooshed in faces. Should I get a pug?” Change subject as quickly as possible.
(End Scene)
It isn’t that I want to be impolite, or avoid a conversation. It isn’t that I don’t want to connect to people in my community, or have access to well, socialization, given I am a “social” worker. Unlike many of my colleagues, I’m not shy, introverted or at a loss for words. I can work a room, and that definitely makes me a social worker, doesn’t it? Would I love to have some adult conversation? Mmmhmm. Is it nice to mutually validate one another? Of course it is. Excuse me, I’m headed that way. I’ll just see myself out.
I have a friend who is a doctor. The rules for him are different. He can have longer conversations. Also, If he wants to date someone who used to be a patient, he has to wait five years. I’m sure this rule is different for everyone personally. Sales people, attorneys, brokers, factory workers, IT folks, enjoy your merriment. I think it’s wonderful that there’s nothing holding you back there. Teachers, public service workers, government workers? I feel your pain. I’d offer a shoulder to cry on but I kind of need one myself sometimes.
Every time something like this happens, I get very meta. We’re always on a collision course with each other. Population is exploding, space is limited. I have a feeling I could go to Antarctica and someone would show up. I can pull into what I think is an isolated spot three hundred yards from a store and inevitably, someone will park right next to me. I’ve never figured it out. It’s that weird, in a metaphysical way. There’s got to be theories about this.
I’ll never forget when I was a personal trainer in Chicago and I would run into people from the gym all over the place. The furthest reaches? Paris. Yep. We were on our way to Spain with a stop at Charles de Gaulle. I look over, and there is Hans’ client. When she joined the gym, I talked with her first about training. She picked Hans instead. A lot of ladies did (long backstory there- no jealousy). I waved, I’m a friendly guy. She was about 15 feet away and I never knew her to have vision problems. We’d chat courteously whenever she came in or when she was working out with Hans. Yes, that’s his real name.
Nonetheless, she glared at me. I walked over and said “Wow, this wild, seeing someone from Chicago in Paris, small world huh?” She barely acknowledged me and continued talking with her lady travel partner. “See you back at the gym!” I said.
Though I reversed that scenario, I think now you know the kind of awkwardness I’m discussing here, right? Let’s just play the game and follow the rules. We can’t talk outside of work. I hope you don’t take it personally. See you next session.
